[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
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What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
We avoided this particular disaster
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.