What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
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In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.