[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
You Might Also Like
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?