Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
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If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Chicken bread
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn