*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
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Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.