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*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Jesus steals the winter solstice
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.