daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
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Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
bout dat hot dog summer
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.