Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
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Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*