‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
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Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.