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friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.