ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
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@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Is this a threat?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
my fav colour is also hitler
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else