You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
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yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.