Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
You Might Also Like
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”