Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
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A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
🛁
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game