This is me 🤣🤣
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Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
become ungovernable
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.