I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
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{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?