[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
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It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
plums roundup
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family