My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
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Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals