In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
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Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Lmao
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.