Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
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Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Batman v Dracula
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?