INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
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We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
When you don’t understand how floors work
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?