Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
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In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
23. the denim jacket
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.