Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
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you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
opening a flower shop called women in stem
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.