Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
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I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Cashiers are always checking me out
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime