Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
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Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap