I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
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How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*