The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
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She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.