it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
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Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?