[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
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[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
LMAO.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.