I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
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This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic