Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
You Might Also Like
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Fluff me with a fork baby
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”