Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
You Might Also Like
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Perfect.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.