The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
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I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
You learn something every day
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship