*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
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I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.