Yaba daba do not resuscitate
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God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.