I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*