Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
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No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
We’ve all been there
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”