[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
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When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.