Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
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uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord