If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
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Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.