Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
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I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
i’m sure it’s fine
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Those are good neighbors.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.