her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
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ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
me after eating Cheetos
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink