[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
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Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*