What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
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Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]