Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
People buying plungers never look happy.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.