wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
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{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
this is me
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.