I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
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Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Not recommended for beginners.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???