i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
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8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Them: Just act casual
Me:
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.