If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
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Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”