I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
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*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I’m listening
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.